Alien Vs Predator Vs TNP, Latest Movies News - The New Paper

Alien Vs Predator Vs TNP

And you thought they couldn't talk. With the release of Alien: Covenant, we went into our archives to 2004, when The New Paper supposedly interviewed the eponymous stars of Alien Vs Predator — and lived to tell the tale*... 

TNP: Hi guys. How did the film come about? 

ALIEN: Well, we've been looking for a project to do together for a long time

PREDATOR: ... and both our schedules were free ... 

ALIEN: Some more free than others (sniggers). 

PREDATOR: What's that supposed to mean? 

ALIEN: Well, how long has it been since your last film? And what have you been doing since? Dinner Theatre and geek conventions. 

PREDATOR: I was not! Well, it's better than hanging around the bushes at night 

ALIEN: That was Shakespeare In The Park. Not that you would understand culture.

PREDATOR: Ha! The closest you'll get to culture is a yoghurt. 

ALIEN: Says you! Look at my roster of co-stars.

AC-TORS. Ian Holm, John Hurt, Charles Dance, Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder. And who have you been with? 'Arnult' Schwarzenegger, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura and Danny Glover.

PREDATOR: Hello ... Schwarzy? Jesse? Both have become US state governors. In fact, I'm thinking of going into politics myself ... 

ALIEN: What as? Mayor of Loserville? 

TNP: Er, calm down guys. So what was your first reaction to the script?

ALIEN: Well, the finished movie is a lot different from the original script. It was originally a remake of the Meryl Streep divorce drama Kramer Vs Kramer.

PREDATOR: I had been perfecting my Dustin Hoffman impression but the studios wanted more action. 

ALIEN: Actually when we were first approached, we had the choice of two scripts. One was this, but the other fell through at the last minute.

TNP: And what was that film?

PREDATOR: Schindler's List. 

TNP: I think I know why it fell through... So how was it working together after all these years?

ALIEN: I think I can speak for both of us when I say it was terrible. The tension on set was unbearable, and he had too many demands.

PREDATOR: All I asked was that you eat in a more civilised manner.

ALIEN: I have two mouths! It's hard to fill both at once.

PREDATOR: And do you brush the teeth of either?

ALIEN: Oooh. It wasn't me who demanded a musical interlude.

PREDATOR: Helloooo! It's fiction. It was to lighten the atmosphere! What's wrong with some variety, the ol' soft shoe.

ALIEN: It's a violent clash of extraterrestrial bloodshed. NOT West Side Story.

PREDATOR: Well, who wanted to be the romantic lead?

ALIEN: It's my name that comes first in the title. 

PREDATOR: Pah! You're so vain you probably think that song is about you. As if anyone would go for you. 

ALIEN: What? I'm tall, dark and sleek. Face it. I'm damn pretty.

PREDATOR: You're pretty damn ugly. 

ALIEN: That's it ... (lunges at Predator). 

TNP: (from under a desk) Ahem. Alien and Predator, thank you very much. 

PREDATOR: And my real name's Gerald.

*This was first published We suspect that interview may be totally made up

This article was first published on Aug 27, 2004 with the headline Stalk Show

movieSCIENCE FICTIONhollywood