Movie Review: T2 Trainspotting (R21)
Choose the sequel to a film that was as responsible for "Cool Britannia" as Britpop was in the 90s.
Choose to recall how huge a part Trainspotting played in your own pop culture and how great it was to have a UK hit film that was not a period drama or about London or posh people.
Choose to wonder if this sequel is 15 years too late, if two of the leads are too Hollywood to play ex-junkies and if it is just a cash-in; then choose to review it.
Choose the bad.
Choose a soundtrack as bland as the original's was thrilling.
Choose to forego a definite plot for what feels like a bunch of sketches thrown together.
Choose a slasher film ending.
Choose far too many mundane shots that make large parts of this look like a TV movie.
Choose to wonder if the sculpted bods of Ewan McGregor and Jonny Lee Miller really look like those of two ex-junkies lost in mid-life miasma.
Choose McGregor's hairy backside - though there may be an audience for that sort of thing.
Choose a sub-plot that looks and feels like a bank loan infomercial called Ewan & Jonny Start An SME.
Choose some social media-tinged scenes that already look dated.
Choose some scenes shot digitally that would have looked stupendous on film.
Choose callbacks that only serve as the very nostalgia bait the film complains about.
Choose subtitles so PG that their innocence is distracting (and admit that isn't really the film-maker's fault on this).
Choose a twist that is close to drowning in cheese, then...
Choose the good.
Choose Danny Boyle still being able to create some wonderful stylised shots (but only some, and only occasionally).
Choose the toilet scene that plays for laughs and tension.
Choose Ewen Bremner as Spud, whose film this actually is.
Choose Robert Carlyle's middle-aged spread.
Choose newcomer Anjela Nedyalkova as the smart one of the group.
Choose James Cosmo as Renton's dad who silently out acts McGregor with just a brief smile.
Choose the hope that soon, it will be forgotten that Trainspotting ever had a sequel.