Neil Humphreys: Footballers must keep mouths shut in Covid-19 era
K-League can show EPL how to not spit or kiss
There are many ways to measure our current, unhinged reality, but watching South Korean footballers not spitting at each other may be the strangest yet.
Tonight's K-League match between Jeonbuk Motors and Suwon Bluewings will encapsulate the unending madness of Covid-19.
A global TV audience will gather to stare at the body parts of strangers.
Will the South Koreans spit? Will they swop shirts? Will they hug, kiss, shake hands or touch any other sensitive areas during a global pandemic?
These are the scarcely believable questions that require urgent answers.
On Monday, the English Premier League's 20 clubs will vote on the medical protocols required to complete the season safely.
So the South Koreans are about to become unwitting guinea pigs as their country emerges from lockdown and wanders, wide-eyed, into a global spotlight.
Being the first major football competition to return, the K-League already feels like methadone for addicts, a comforting release after weeks of cold turkey.
Asian and European broadcasters have bought K-League rights and tonight's game will be streamed across social media - with English commentary.
And yet, the K-League highlights the apprehension of going ahead with a physical contest when physical distancing measures remain in place, even in South Korea.
For instance, coaches are expected to wear masks in the dugout, which seems a tokenistic gesture when unmasked, sweat-drenched footballers will be sliding into each other on the pitch.
But footballers are expected not to talk, a ridiculous regulation that makes sense to a medical professional perhaps but none whatsoever to an experienced football pro.
Punishing a player for swearing at a referee is easy. Punishing a player for swearing in agony after being kicked from behind is complicated.
There are almost too many grey areas to complicate.
Pre-match handshakes and those touchy- feely goal celebrations are expected to go, but what constitutes a physical goal celebration - a paternal slap on the back or a French kiss?
Is either a yellow card offence? Does a back slap and then a hand on the shoulder lead to an early bath?
In the middle of a circuit breaker, these issues sound extraordinarily trivial because they are. That's the concern.
HANDY DISTRACTION
A return to professional football offers a handy distraction, but there’s also a chance of getting bogged down in unimportant trivialities within the game while the rest of the world deals with death tolls.
Just take a moment to recall the fallout from the video assistant referee. After nine months, confusion still reigned. One technical addition divided the sport.
Now, players are expected to undergo a stunning, cultural metamorphosis.
No talking or touching. No swopping shirts or sharing bottles. No spitting.
Whatever one’s personal views on these customs and habits, no one can deny that they are an intrinsic, instinctive part of the game.
Generally speaking, South Koreans do not spit. Generally speaking, EPL players spit like baseball coaches chewing on tobacco.
Studies have shown that exercise increases the amount of protein secreted into the saliva.
This mucus makes saliva thicker and harder to swallow. Athletes need to clear their air passages.
Similarly, the practice of “carb rinsing” – swishing a carbohydrate solution in the mouth before spitting it out – reportedly boosts athletic performance during high-intensity activities that last around the length of a match.
That practice must end immediately.
And, on behalf of everyone currently living in lockdown, who cares, right?
In terms of the sacrifices being forced upon all of us, professional footballers not spitting, hugging or shirt swopping hardly registers. But the measures expect basic human impulses and lifelong habits to be reversed overnight.
Can it even be done? And if it can’t, should football even persist in trying?
Footballers cannot be expected to bear the burden of a society’s safety. Before Covid-19, their constant spitting was merely unsightly. Now it could be potentially deadly. Imagine the viral photograph if one player gets caught on camera.
Imagine the real and manufactured outrage. Imagine the furious enquiry that would follow.
Is football’s return worth such a risk? Can a deeply engrained culture be transformed for the greater good?
The South Koreans will hopefully provide positive answers tonight, encouraging leagues like the EPL to press on with Project Restart.
If we are talking about football again in the coming weeks, then the experiment will be a timely distraction.
But if we end up obsessing over spitting footballers, then the game will know that it should not have come back.
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