Neil Humphreys: Good riddance to super flop Alexis Sanchez
Chilean forward ranks as one of Man United's worst signings
When Alexis Sanchez joined Manchester United, he played a piano to celebrate his arrival.
When he leaves, no one will play a violin in sympathy.
That bizarre club video of Sanchez sitting at a piano, in full kit, and tinkling the ivories in January 2018 was memorable for two reasons.
It was the only time he went viral for anything vaguely productive. It was also the only time he wasn't off-key in a United jersey.
To call Sanchez a flop doesn't quite cut it. A blue whale tumbling off an Olympic diving board and smacking into a kiddies paddling pool couldn't flop with any less grace than the Chilean at Old Trafford.
As Sanchez prepares to shuffle off to Inter Milan, there are rumblings around Manchester.
It's the sound of City supporters laughing.
Right now, they are nudging each other in cafes, pointing at photos of a sheepish Sanchez and reminding themselves that they nearly bought this guy.
Only greed spared them.
Pep Guardiola believed that the former Arsenal star was only worth an exorbitant weekly salary. But Sanchez thought he was worth the GDP of a developing nation.
No boardroom, surely, would have been foolish enough to satisfy the wage demands of a stocky left-sided forward closing in on his 30th birthday.
But United have no ordinary boardroom.
They agreed to pay Sanchez £390,000 (S$664,000) a week.
They also believed that the best way to showcase such business acumen was to stick their signing in front of a piano in a video that was so garishly lit and tacky, it looked like Stormy Daniels might crawl across the keys at any moment.
Sanchez became the unwanted poster boy of Ed Woodward's star-struck transfer policy of buying ageing branded goods.
The club's executive vice-chairman operated under the assumption that if he threw enough celebrities at a white board, his managers might be able to cobble something together.
But they couldn't.
Sanchez didn't run fast enough for the pressing game that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer advocates (with mixed results).
And the 30-year-old did not run often enough - and not backwards enough - for the defensive Jose Mourinho.
DRESSING-ROOM RIFTS
Ironically, Mourinho often championed his isolated forward, despite reports of dressing-room rifts over Sanchez's high wages and low effort.
According to Manchester City sources, the club were put off by Sanchez’s keenness to put salary before potential silverware.
They backed away and fast-tracked Bernardo Silva instead. By the time the two men met in the last Manchester Derby in April, the karma was complete.
Silva opened the scoring in City’s 2-0 victory, chased like a puppy in search of his own tail and epitomised the relentless running of Guardiola’s football.
Sanchez came on for seven minutes and touched the ball once. One-touch footballers are coveted, but not this kind.
He looked lost. The fearless, intimidating presence at Arsenal had shrunk and disappeared.
The Gunners had the angry Hulk. The Red Devils were stuck with a puny Bruce Banner who made everyone else angry.
Paul Pogba reportedly didn’t like earning less money than Sanchez. The younger players reportedly didn’t like his lack of effort.
And coach Michael Carrick reportedly didn’t like anything about Sanchez’s performances, calling him in to evaluate his games on video.
Nothing worked or improved. Only stats of the unwanted kind increased.
The Chilean scored three times in 32 league appearances. He started 13 games last season.
He completed 90 minutes once – in the opener against Leicester City.
This season, he’s been fit to face Chelsea, Wolverhampton Wanderers and Crystal Palace.
He didn’t feature once.
Sanchez is a £390,000-a-week write-off, a colossal sum that feels particular vulgar in the week that another historic Manchester club, Bury, were expelled from the English Football League after their financial collapse.
It’s rather staggering that Inter Milan coach Antonio Conte believes he can get a tune out of the pianist as Sanchez’s 31st birthday approaches.
The Italians are taking the winger on loan and paying him £175,000-a-week, less than half his current salary, but are confident that his friendship with Romelu Lukaku will help.
The two men reportedly struck up a close bond at Old Trafford, united in their outcast status.
Lukaku is already off the mark at Inter and Sanchez, an amiable character, deserves a chance at rehabilitating his career.
But he’s already spurned a few. The Italians would do well to temper their expectations.
Keeping him on the pitch would be a good start.
Keeping him away from a piano would be even better.
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