Neil Humphreys: Less sex, more action please
Never mind the kinky dolls, just increase TV access for the fans
Those post-apocalyptic movies always revealed vast, empty buildings, devoid of people. But there were never any sex dolls.
Trust the South Koreans to remind us of our daily surrealism by filling a deserted football stadium with kinky mannequins.
In the K-League, FC Seoul solved the "behind closed doors" problem with products that are generally used only behind closed doors.
Some 30 mannequins were strategically placed around Seoul's home venue, presumably to promote the idea that they had either plastic fans or perverts in attendance.
Naturally, the club swiftly apologised, but the dolls highlighted the increasing desperation of those eager to promote football matches with less noise than a social distancing queue outside NTUC FairPrice.
Sex sells. So does an atmosphere. Live football currently has neither.
The return of both the Bundesliga and the K-League provides other leagues with handy social experiments, in real time, as they grapple with the problems that were easy to predict, but harder to solve.
Thirty silent mannequins is no match for 30,000 screaming Koreans, even if a couple of those dummies had disturbingly hypnotic eyes.
In South Korea, they had sex dolls. In Germany, they had "ghosts".
The fixtures are being called "Geisterspiele" - ghost games - as the Bundesliga complies with stringent social distancing measures.
Once the games begin, the only voices heard are those on the pitch. Listening to players bark tactical instructions is mildly entertaining. But it's hardly You'll Never Walk Alone at Anfield.
So the onus is on TV companies and EPL clubs to justify their lucrative relationship by providing alternative points of interest instead.
Nothing can entirely compensate for a missing crowd, but TV companies will expect more "bang for their buck" from clubs desperate to retain revenues.
According to British media, the best part of £750 million (S$1.3 billion) may be owed to Sky and BT Sport as a refund for cancelled live games, if the season is not completed. Compromises need to be made.
Unlike most major team sports in North America and Australia, the EPL has always denied the kind of access that is considered commonplace in the NFL, the NBA and the Aussie football codes.
If EPL club owners want to be paid, maybe they need to open their doors in other ways. Fans are no longer permitted inside the stadium, so take them into the dressing rooms and dugouts instead.
As the lockdown has demonstrated, unobtrusive technology exists to provide audio-visual link-ups to the most confined spaces.
Covid-19 has forced us to share our homes with employers, colleagues and even strangers in virtual meetings. Sharing a little dugout banter among substitutes seems like the very least that the EPL could do.
Half-time interviews with members of coaching staff - or even quick chats during stoppages in play - will also help to distract from the otherwise funereal mood.
Purists will inevitably baulk at such radical suggestions, dismissing them as the further "Disneyfication" of a proud sport, replacing tradition with Americanised, inauthentic razzma- tazz.
These are professional athletes, after all, not clowns in a parade.
But they are. We all are now. We are living in the same circus, looking for any temporary respite from the endless madness.
Tradition, continuity and routine are quaint, pre-coronavirus privileges that no longer exist. Like Indiana Jones reacting to the latest catastrophe, we're making this up as we go along.
If that means a snatched interview with a substitute or a mic'd-up Jose Mourinho for 90 minutes, then so be it.
There are more pressing issues to deal with at the moment than offending a football purist's sensibilities or upsetting entitled managers.
Once the decision has been taken to resume the season, once the safety precautions are in place and everyone from stadium security to the camera crews can get paid again, then the game must be willing to make concessions.
For too long, the EPL has adopted an almost feudal attitude to the footballer-fan relationship, as if the long-suffering punter should be grateful for any scraps thrown his way.
Covid-19 has altered that relationship, hopefully forever.
It turns out that the EPL really did need fans after all. So bring them back into the fold. Permit the kind of TV access that is taken for granted in other sports.
Invite viewers into the dressing room and the dugout and open new communication channels, even during matches if necessary.
In a tense period of isolation, the game should be willing to do whatever it takes to create a shared experience.
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