Neil Humphreys: Who’s been naughty or nice in the EPL?
Our columnist compiles a list of Christmas presents for Santa to hand out
It's that time of year again. As soon as the sack comes out, he's ready for work.
But enough about David Moyes. And Sam Allardyce. And Harry Redknapp.
This is supposed to be a time for three wise men and a red-faced man with a beard.
But enough about Juergen Klopp.
It's time for Santa to make his list, and check it more times than a VAR official.
Here's my entirely unscientific and random list of English Premier League presents for Santa.
A SANTA COSTUME FOR OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJAER
The Manchester United manager loves the kids. He spends far too much time with kids. He believes the kids are the future.
He sounds like a cross between Santa and Whitney Houston. He also turned up just before the last Christmas and may disappear after this one.
A HOME ALONE DVD FOR MASON GREENWOOD
In the Christmas classic movie, a young kid finds himself isolated while surrounded with ageing buffoons who are stealing a living. The young Man United striker thinks the movie is his autobiography.
A GPS DEVICE FOR PAUL POGBA
Just type in one word. Manchester.
A CATTLE PROD FOR JOSE MOURINHO
The Tottenham Hotspur manager is being far too kind and considerable at the moment and it's getting boring. We want the petulant, whiny teenager back.
So I speak for all of us when I say, if someone could jab Mourinho with the cattle prod, just before press conferences, we'd all appreciate it.
A TOTTENHAM BALL BOY FOR ARSENAL
But it has to be that particular ball boy, Callum Hynes, the kid who threw the ball back quickly in the Tottenham-Olympiakos Champions League game.
He found one of his players faster than anyone at Arsenal all season.
A SENSE OF HUMOUR FOR MIKEL ARTETA
Arsenal's new manager will need one for that lot.
A TRUE CRIME DETECTIVE SHOW FOR COLEEN ROONEY
Wayne's wife almost broke social media with her tweet of the year.
After claiming that her accounts had been hacked and her private info sold to the press, she infamously tweeted: "It's... Rebekah Vardy."
Forget shaming Jamie Vardy's missus. Just think of the global issues she could solve. She could say things like: "I've found Wayne's inspiration for each hair weave. It's… Donald Trump."
A WHITE HOUSE JOB FOR REBEKAH VARDY
Rebekah still claims that her phone was hacked and someone stole the info about Coleen. She was irresponsible to allow a stranger to use her tech to dish the dirt on a rival WAG.
As a result, she's been offered jobs with the American, Russian and Chinese governments.
According to sources, she tried to do her husband a favour and hacked Brendan Rodgers' phone for insider info from the Leicester City manager. But she couldn't understand his Irish accent.
A CULTURAL & HERITAGE TOUR AROUND GOODISON PARK FOR CARLO ANCELOTTI
Then the incoming Everton manager cannot say he wasn't warned. The guidebook would be very short.
A PATERNITY TEST FOR MANUEL PELLEGRINI
Yes, it's the hair. It's only the hair. But he's got to be Harry Styles' secret grandfather.
Intriguingly, the former One Direction singer has a new album out for Christmas, which means he'll still be around in the New Year. The same probably cannot be said for his Granddad.
AN EXCUSE FOR PEP GUARDIOLA
When the Manchester City manager fails to win the title at a club that spends like Elton John on a shopping weekend with the Kardashians, he'll need one.
AN INCOMPETENT DENTIST FOR MAN CITY'S DEFENCE
They'd have so much in common, turning up for work every day and not filling the gaps.
A MIRROR FOR JOHN STONES
Just to see if the Man City defender can still recognise himself. No one else can.
A SCHOOL RULER FOR VAR'S GREATEST ADVOCATES
It's not to measure marginal offside decisions. It's to whack them over the head whenever they say this petty bureaucracy has improved the game.
A FOOTBALL FOR MESUT OEZIL
He doesn't seem to play with one any more.
A DOZEN DECKCHAIRS FOR LIVERPOOL
The Reds can put their feet up after Christmas.
A JOKER DVD FOR JUERGEN KLOPP
Just consider the plot. He's got that maniacal smile. He dances in public and has the entire city following his revolution. But I haven't seen the movie. What's it about?
A BOX OF TABLETS FOR SHEFFIELD UNITED
They're flying up the table and suffering from altitude sickness. The people of Sheffield haven't been this excited since actor Sean Bean was killed off in both Game of Thrones and the Lord of the Rings.
He's an actor from Sheffield who's been killed off more times than any other actor in modern cinema. He appears. He impresses. And then he disappears. Apparently, he's Pogba's favourite actor.
A SACKED MANAGER FOR WATFORD
Sacked managers are like pairs of socks at Watford. No matter how many they get through, they always seem to run out by Christmas.
AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CORPSES FOR VAR OFFICIALS
They don't seem to have a life either.