Six things we’ll see in this season's EPL: Neil Humphreys
With tongue in cheek, our columnist gives his dafter predictions for what to expect in the new season
1) PRETEND THE WRONG RACE IS SEXY
Remember the kid that got picked to play last in the school playground?
That's everyone in the English Premier League, apart from Manchester City.
In fact, to stay with that school playground analogy, the old rules were each captain had a "pick" each, selecting the best players first, until the last kids standing were the ones with two left feet and that weird one who just spun around the pitch, chasing unicorns.
Well, that kid represents the other 19 clubs now. They're all chasing unicorns.
An exaggeration? Oleksandr Zinchenko, Aymeric Laporte, Nathan Ake, Benjamin Mendy, Ilkay Guendogan, Bernardo Silva, Fernandinho, Ferran Torres and Gabriel Jesus may not even make City's best XI.
And Pep Guardiola may even add a Harry Kane, just for fun.
So prepare for pundit comments like "well, the title race ended in February, but I haven't seen anything as sexy as this top-four race since Jack Grealish did a photo shoot in the bath".
2) GUARDIOLA'S ANNUAL BRAIN EXPLOSION
Superman had kryptonite. Guardiola has a decisive knockout game in the Champions League.
A chemical imbalance occurs in the brain.
One minute, he's coasting through the EPL, the next he's throwing out his established formation for something demented in Europe.
He'll have his baffling tactical reasons of course, something about his Champions League opponents having a weak link - five centimetres from the centre circle - that necessitated Guendogan going in goal.
But it'll be his undoing.
And another European crusade will fold like a Guardiola T-shirt.
3) UNITED TRANSITION TO A NEW TRANSITION
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's time has come.
He's got Jadon Sancho and centre-back Raphael Varane. Everything is in place to lift the 21st league trophy... the season after next.
So his media mates will focus on the transition.
Solskjaer's Red Devils are all about the transition.
The planet transitioned from one ice age to the next quicker than United fixed their midfield.
Still, Solskjaer will prove that he's absolutely heading in the right direction - to finish behind Manchester City again.
If only he had a 20-goal-a-season striker to make the crucial difference.
3) EVERY LUKAKU GOAL STABS THROUGH OLE'S HEART
Expect the following responses once Romelu Lukaku lives up to his £97.5 million (S$183.2m) transfer fee at Chelsea.
Why did Solskjaer let him leave United? Why didn't he score goals like that at United? Why was he half the striker at United?
Why didn't United buy him back?
To which the answers are - a) Solskjaer didn't believe Lukaku was a complete striker, b) Lukaku was a complete striker, he just wasn't utilised properly, c) read answer b again, and d) there's only so much face a manager can lose.
Not to worry, Sancho, just think about all those players that have really improved at Old Trafford in the last two years. There was... er... and then there was...
4) KEANE MUST COVER EVERY PALACE GAME
We must hope for the following exchange whenever Sky Sports pundits interview new Crystal Palace manager Patrick Vieira.
Gary Neville: So, Patrick, tough game for you today?
Vieira: Yes, Gary, playing Manchester United is always a little difficult.
Roy Keane: Oi, don't call Gary "little" and "difficult". I'll see you outside.
Vieira: We are outside, Roy.
Keane: Nonsense. Total French nonsense.
Vieira: Would you like a cup of tea?
Keane: Yeah, yeah, always playing the nice guy.
Neville: It's just a light, pre-match chat, Roy.
Keane (Storming off): Bluffers. All bluffers. No spirit and commitment.
5) SING A SAD SONG FOR LIVERPOOL
Virgil van Dijk is back! Joe Gomez is back! Joel Matip is back!
Life is good at Anfield again.
And then, a key Red will succumb to injury and some Liverpool supporters will insist that Juergen Klopp's martyrs are the only team in the history of football to suffer injuries.
Ever.
6) ANOTHER NAIL-BITING END FOR FOXES
In the final seconds of the final game, Jamie Vardy is through on goal against Southampton.
The score is 0-0 and Leicester City need only a point to secure Champions League qualification.
Vardy's thunderous effort hits the post as the first earthquake at the King Power Stadium in recorded history hits and sends every player to the turf.
The ball rolls past a floored Kasper Schmeichel at the other end.
An eternally upbeat Brendan Rodgers then praises the beautiful spirit of his players, hailing the most calamitous collapse since his last one.
And then he'll promise to do it all over again, just like we do every season.
Bring on the madness.
Get The New Paper on your phone with the free TNP app. Download from the Apple App Store or Google Play Store now