Wacko Neilo: Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi on the Portuguese star's dark tan
On the eve of El Clasico at the Santiago Bernabeu yesterday morning (Singapore time), there is only one question that concerns the world's two best players. How tanned can one guy be? In his new documentary, Cristiano Ronaldo looks like he's been sleeping in a bath of chocolate. To find out the answer to this question, the Wacky column organised a frank discussion with the pair ahead of kick-off.
Ronaldo: So, Lionel, are you ready? Is it true?
Messi: Am I going to be fit for El Clasico?
Ronaldo: No, are you going to wear your purple suit again to the Ballon d'Or?
Messi: Hey, that purple suit made me look cool and trendy.
Ronaldo: You looked like Willy Wonka.
Messi: Well, you look like you live in his chocolate factory.
Ronaldo: I work hard on this tan. Have you ever even seen the sun?
Messi: I've spent months indoors, day after day, doing really boring stuff.
Ronaldo: Rehabilitation work for the knee injury?
Messi: No, I've been watching your documentary.
Ronaldo: It's good, right? What did you think of my car collection?
Messi: It was impressive, almost as impressive as my Ballon d'Or collection.
Ronaldo: I don't care about your Ballon d'Or collection. I don't care that you've won three and I've won two. I don't care that I have a photo of you next to my two Ballon d'Or trophies and I use it as dartboard. I don't care that I wake up screaming, "he has one more than me" in the middle of the night or that you occupy every one of my waking thoughts every damn day and that I fantasize about getting my mini-me son to jump up and down on your coccyx.
Messi: So you're not bothered then?
Ronaldo: Not really, no.
(Gareth Bale enters the room.)
Messi: Hey, Gareth, what are you doing here?
Bale: Oh, I was told this was a meeting with the No. 1 players at Real Madrid and Barcelona… Why are you giggling?
Messi: Nothing, nothing, really. I really like the British sense of humour.
Ronaldo: Come on, now, Gareth, we've talked about this, haven't we?
Bale: Yes, boss.
Ronaldo: While I'm at Real Madrid, I'll always be No.1 and you'll always be the guy who cleans my boots.
Bale: Yes, boss.
Ronaldo: OK, then. Run along and please get my boots ready for the Clasico.
Messi: That was a bit harsh. He's got at least a day to get your boots ready.
Ronaldo: He'll be fine. Now then, how's the knee? I hope it's feeling better and you'll be fit for the Clasico. The biggest players should play in the biggest games.
Messi: Why are you being so kind?
Ronaldo: Voting for the Ballon d'Or has already closed.
Messi: You're too kind. But you said in the press you think I've already won it.
Ronaldo: I was trying to be humble for last-minute voters. But look, you have an unfair advantage. You play with Neymar and Luis Suarez. I play with a guy allegedly involved in a sex tape.
Messi: Gareth Bale made a sex tape?
Ronaldo: No, that guy couldn't make a mix-tape. Karim Benzema has been linked to a sex tape blackmail plot involving… don't you watch the news?
Messi: I don't watch any TV at home. My idiot housekeeper keeps putting the remote control on a high shelf and I can't reach it.
Ronaldo: So what do you do?
Messi: I watch a comedy at the local cinema. Your documentary.
Ronaldo: That's very funny, Lionel. You won't be laughing when you try and play the Clasico with a busted knee.
Messi: If I'm not fit, I won't play. I would never embarrass myself in public.
Ronaldo: So you won't be wearing that purple suit again?
Messi: Hey, when I attended the Ballon d'Or in that suit, everyone said I looked like an international celebrity.
Ronaldo: You did. I thought I was standing next to Barney the Dinosaur.