What woman really, truly want
Let's not be coy about what we like to see in movies, shall we?
I would describe the upcoming romantic drama Me Before You as Twilight, but with a quadriplegic instead of a vampire.
Both films are about rather dumb young girls, Louisa (Emilia Clarke) and Bella (Kristen Stewart), who fall for beautiful worldly men with loads of charm and cash.
The fact that both male protagonists William (Sam Claflin) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) suffer from serious disabilities - paralysis and vampirism respectively - doesn't lessen the attraction.
In fact, it's a turn-on.
It helps that the guys stand out from the boring neighbourhood guys.
Like Twilight, Me Before You - which opens here on June 2 - started off as a popular book that almost every female I know happens to have read or be reading.
My friend and colleague Maddy Barber from Kiss92 FM says she pictured Pattinson playing William before she even knew there was a movie coming out.
Of course, Pattinson would have been perfect as William.
He possesses the single most important qualification: A handsome face, one so pretty that a woman would be willing to overlook the fact that nothing below the face actually functions.
I think sometimes guys expect girls to be a bit loftier than men are in terms of their romantic preferences, but they aren't.
Indeed, I'd say it's both sexist and stupid to expect more of women.
If fellas can prioritise looks, why can't the ladies?
You don't see romances like Me Before You starring the likes of John C Reilly, bless him.
One could perhaps even argue that women are more demanding in terms of the opposite sex, putting a premium on social standing.
You're hot? Awesome. Hope you're an aristocrat too.
One wonders how far William would have gone with Louisa if he didn't have a castle to help seal the deal.
Listen, I don't hold any of this against the fairer sex. I get it.
When it comes to women, pretty hair and a nice butt are at the top of my list.
The heart wants what it wants.
I just think that it would be nice, one day, if all of us together could value the things that are worth valuing.
Imagine a movie in which William doesn't look like Claflin and doesn't have a castle.
Imagine he's just some dude in a wheelchair, but he's genuinely cool.
Would anyone ever want to see that movie?
I know I wouldn't.
Let's face it, we're all pretty horrible.